Today I Choose Joy

Many mornings I wake up instantly angry. I don’t know if it is the lack of sleep I get each night with a baby and 4 year old or if I have terrible dreams that affect my mornings. ( Be sure to check out my latest blog POST. It helps burnt out mothers. )  Sometimes I dream my husband cheats on me or something crazy and I wake up so pissed off at him. He laughs at me and I get so mad. He should be able to control what he does in my dream right!? I mean, come on, you should be able to control your stupid choices “in my dreams” that cause me to wake up and want to throat punch you 10 times. (haha)

Today I choose Joy

I dream every night and I know I have them but when I wake up I can hardly remember what they were. Of course, unless my husband cheats on me in my dream. I always seem to remember that and can still remember what nights I dreamt that. Paranoid a little? Which is funny because my husband isn’t like that at all.

When I wake up to the blissful sounds of bickering children I instantly have this saying that pops into my head. “Today I Choose Joy”. That little 4-worded saying has a lot of impact on me. I can choose to be angry and pissed off at the world or I can choose joy and be the happy mom that my kids need and want. Those 4 little words can change anyone’s mood in a heartbeat.

My wonderful husband always reminds me of this too. One day I woke up just angry. As angry as a raging bull. I don’t know why but this crazy bitch woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My 3-year-old got into my make up one morning. She destroyed my wonderful and beautiful MAC makeup foundation that I had just purchased and paid for with one of my ovaries. I was instantly angry. My blood was boiling and momma was losing her shit. I heard this loud obnoxious man voice in the background say “CHOOSE JOY” needless to say my daughter is still alive and well. She didn’t get the wrath of mommy but I did have a long talk with her on how we only touch daddies stuff. Not mommies!

My oldest daughter and I love to write poems together. We come up with some crafty funny shit. That’s one of our favorite things to do. We rhyme and say whatever comes to our minds and it will usually end with us laughing our butts off! Here is one we made together about Choosing Joy.

Today I choose Joy

 Today choose Joy,
And every day at that.
You have to work for it,
You can’t pull it out of a hat.

If You wake up and You’re moody,
Sing out loud and shake your booty.
Look in the mirror for the light in your eyes,
It’s there and shouldn’t be a big surprise.

When you’re feeling down and blue
Ask your friends and family to help you.
Seeing all their kindness and unconditional love,
Will give your happiness a quick little shove.

Being happy and joyous
Truly won’t destroy us.
It’s really the best way of life.
Try hard to let go of unwanted strife.

Tell the day to bring it on,
Come what may and just be strong.
Say in your head, every girl and every boy,
Today, is the day…that…YOU choose joy!

This poem is a great reminder that Happiness is a choice. Each day I have to choose to be happy. Sometimes it’s super hard and my self-pity gets the best of me. I could go on and on about things that have happened or the wrong doings of others or the “Wo” is me bull shit but it is useless to think that way. You can’t change the past. You can only live in the now and create a better future. You have to discard those negative thoughts or toxic people in your life. Choose you, Choose Joy! (mic drop)

I created a free 8×10 download for all my wonderful readers. Download it and display it so you can remind yourself that “Today I (you) Choose Joy” Enjoy!

xoxo,

Chels

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Bedtime Battles

After a long day of parenting and adulting, I am most definitely looking at the clock hoping that 8pm bedtime rolls around quickly!

Bedtime battles
Bedtime battles, Babycenter.com

 

First of all, I found this chart from Baby Center that shows the age of your kid and what time they should go to bed. I don’t know about you but I have 5 kids. FIVE, so getting them all to bed a different time is an effin’ Joke! Thanks, Baby Center, but seems like the person running that site doesn’t have multiple children. If I put my son and daughter down at 7pm and my oldest daughter can stay up until 8:15 they would be PISSED! And, not the pissed off funny way. The pissed off, I’m going to bang my head against the wall and cry that entire hour way!

In my house bedtime is a process. It is a downright, dirty process. I always have to yell and I always end up feeling bad. One of my friends sent me this book called Go The F**k to Sleep and it’s hilarious! I wish I could read that as a bedtime story. It’s the perfect gift to give if you want the loudest laughs at the baby shower. Trust me! It’s my fave!

After my kids eat dinner I start the bedtime process. They take showers, brush teeth and I’ll turn on one show. After each step, I always repeat “It’s almost time for bedtime” I get the never ending NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. The best line comes during the summer when they say “It’s still light outside.”  When all pre-bedtime things are finished I turn off the tv and get down to business.

Step 1: “Alright kids its time for bed”. They get this burst of crazy energy that wakes them up. They start running around like crazy dogs who just got let off their leash for the first time. I nicely say “Lets go to bed!”

Step 2: I literally have to pick them up and throw them in their bed. Then I get the sob stories on how I didn’t take them to do this or we didn’t do that. Now the water works start. By this point I am already so effin’ tired I feel my blood start to boil in my body as I repeat over and over “GO TO BED”

Step 3: After I have put them all in their beds. My son and daughter who share a room start to annoy each other. She will climb up the bunk bed ladder and steal his stuff.   He likes to spit on her EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. Once he does that, she’ll scream at the top of her lungs and her crying gets super intense. They also like to get out of their beds and play. My daughter will run up and down the halls thinking I don’t see or hear her. I always have to repeat ‘GO TO BED”

Step 4: This is when everyone suddenly has to go to the bathroom. They have this burst of bodily fluids that comes out of nowhere. Sometimes they claim they have to poop but I swear they just go in there and sit just to avoid bedtime.

Step 5: By this point, it’s 8:45 and I’m DONE! After the bathroom, everyone will need a drink and will literally cry until they get it. (any moms angry yet by reading this? I am angry just typing it) By this point, I am yelling and losing my shit left and right. I yell at them to quickly get a drink, once that’s done, I will do the final ‘GO THE F**K TO SLEEP!” (of course I don’t say the actual F word but I’m totally thinking it!)  Once I hit that point everyone knows mommy is not to be messed with. They cry and cry until they finally pass out. Once that happens I lay sprawled out on the couch feeling exhausted.

bedtime battles momminwithhumor.com
bedtime battles momminwithhumor.com

 

Bedtime is done It’s time to do you!

Finally, when bedtime is over. Down that Pepsi or glass of wine because you deserve it and give yourself a pat on the back. Be sure to read Tips to Skyrocket your Mom Juice to get some you time in.  Kids are work and they are exhausting. Always taking but of course we don’t mind because they are our sweet children. Here are some fun tips I have started doing to help bedtime move along a little faster.

  • Have your kids be active. I am always taking my kids to do things and wearing them out. From jumping around at the mall to swimming all day. I work my hardest to get them tired enough that bedtime will go smooth.
  • Don’t surprise them with bedtime. Make sure to always remind them of the time. My kids do way better knowing that bedtime is approaching rather than me just saying “bedtime now”
  • Stick to your guns. I have a hard time with this one. What can I say? My kids know how to work this crazy bitch! I am learning to stick to what I say. If you do that, you won’t have tons of bedtime battles.

Therefore, Good luck moms! This bedtime crap is seriously the pits. Those damn kids and their cuteness just know how to work us over.

xoxo,

Chels

Tips to Skyrocket your Mom Juice

Ya, that’s right, I said Mom Juice! Do you ever feel like you’re in a funk? OR that your kids live with the wicked bitch of the street? I know I have this feeling daily. Sometimes I literally feel bad for my kids and when I start to feel that way, I NEED to get in some mommy time to pump up my mom juice.

Tips to Skyrocket your Mom Juice
Tips to Skyrocket your Mom Juice

I can’t tell you how many times I wake up to the loud shrill of MMMMMOOOOOOOOMMMMM! I rush in because you would think my house was burning up in flames of fire. No, not burning, just a damn kid needing some cereal! I still don’t understand how one cannot make cereal. It is literally a five step process. Bowl, spoon, cereal, milk and eat. I guess it’s always better when mom makes it. When I start the day with that I am usually on edge. Having a little baby who still loves the 3am feeding wears me out. I am exhausted all the time and quite frankly, I am a raging bitch when I get no sleep!

Dealing with the load of kids I have (who are currently screaming and fighting as I write this. Mommy is going to lose her shit right now) I have to ensure that I get a break. Every mom needs one, especially if you hear “You’ve got your Hands Full” daily. If you say you don’t need one you’re a joke and nobody likes those types of moms! A glorious break from the massive amounts of screaming, fighting, crying and farting!   Whether it’s is for an hour or four, get your ass out and have some YOU time.

tip to Skyrocket your mom juice
tip to Skyrocket your mom juice

 

5 Tips on How to Skyrocket your Mom Juice:

  1. Go see a movie. I love this one. You bet your ass I will go to the movies by myself if I need to get away! I don’t have to take any kids or fight with my husband on what movie we should see. I pick it, I get my own drink, and I eat my own tub (don’t judge) of popcorn.
  2. Get your nails done. This doesn’t have to be pricey. You can go in and ask them to change the color and it’s barely even $10. I always love to watch the Nail Salon video first. I crack up and highly recommend you watching it!
  3. Go to the dog park. If you have a dog I suggest going to the dog park. I love to take my dog, Huck. He runs around like he’s insane, jumps and humps other dogs. It’s really just a blast. I even made a few doggy parent friends.
  4. Go get a soda. This has been my go to lately. I will run and grab a soda whenever I can. Plus it gives me that extra kick to finish out my day. I am a Sonic-addict. I will Abso.Freakin.lutely own it!! 
  5. Hide in the bathroom. When worse comes to worse, and you don’t have a babysitter. Hide in the bathroom and chug that wine or Pepsi! No one is judging. I do it all the time. I call them  Bathroom time-outs. My kids will be running around looking for me and calling mom at the top of their lungs. I laugh because they walk in the bathroom a million times and still can’t find me. I am laying in the bathtub with the curtain closed. Good thing they are afraid of things popping out because they won’t touch that shit with a ten-foot pole!

In conclusion, you need to take care of you. Being a mom is first and foremost the most important job you can have. Do you really want to do it grouchy all the time? Take a few minutes for yourself and skyrocket your Mom Juice!!

 

Nip Tattle Telling in the Bud

I’m telling Mom!!!  First of all, do you hear those words on a daily basis?

Nip Tattle Telling in the Bud
Nip Tattle Telling in the Bud

 

I don’t know how many times my wonderful children have been playing in their rooms and everything is going great. Mommy had about 8 minutes of quiet time (EIGHT WHOLE MINUTES).  A little meditation time to do some Yoga (who am I kidding, I don’t do yoga).   It is more like a nice quiet time to get nose deep in my awesome book The Cellar or maybe watch my favorite show, Gray’s Anatomy. Just as I am about to reach an intense part of the chapter or get to a really awesome surgery on Gray’s anatomy, I hear it, the always dreaded, never welcomed shrill of I’M TELLING MOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!” I may have of exaggerated with the “M’s” and exclamation points a little bit, but not by much.

I instantly perk up and run to my closet where I can be hidden by my mound of laundry. (I bet you guys think I am a slob). My house is totally clean. My Laundry, however; is OUT of control. I quickly squeeze my fat ass into my little tiny, totally not walk in closet and duck my head for cover. Half of the time those crazy kids run around like little ants on a mission, screaming “MOM, MOMMY, MAMA” over and over again until they finally find me.  Once found, I have to woman up and “adult”. I have to manage the situation and prepare them for the verdict which could go either way. It’s never a fun process. I cannot tell you how many times one of my kids run into my room to tattle, with the other kid right behind them screaming their side of the story. It’s a headache that I can’t get away from. Why children didn’t come with warning labels.  I will never understand.

“WARNING: THIS CHILD CONTAINS EXCESSIVE GAS, SMELLS FEAR AND WILL DRIVE YOU BATSHIT CRAZY” 

I guess if children did come with warning labels no one would have them!

My kids are smart crafty little bastards, they know how to work it. They know how to tell me what I want to hear, and tell me just enough to get the other child in trouble.  Of course  they never express their evil doings in the situation. It isn’t until I hear the whole story, they will finally fess up.

Today, as they were doing their chore of scooping up dog poop, I hear a scream, then a loud  slap and (never welcomed) “IM TELLING  MOMMMM !!” My son runs into the house to tell how his sister pushed his foot into dog poop. Horrible right? I mean what kind of sister pushes her brother in dog poop? I am super upset by this because the little turd himself came running inside on my perfectly swept floors with his poopy shoe still on his foot. I get up quickly and walk outside. Before I even reach the door, my daughter starts yelling her side of the story. As I hear it through,  I begin to think I’m raising circus clowns rather than actual children. Turns out my son pushed my daughter first, as she chased him, his own foot stepped into the dog poop. He then proceeded to slap her arm before running in the house to tell me what happened.

As you hear that story what comes to your mind? I bet it is “THAT KID IS CRAZY”, if so, you are correct! He is hilarious and crazy all at the same time. He is our wild child. Every family has one. If you can’t figure out who it is in your family, it’s probably you!

As a result of that story, I have done some research on how to nip tattling in the bud. I will absolutely be trying these tips from the BabyCenter  over the next couples weeks and will report back to my wonderful readers.

How to Nip Tattle Telling in the Bud:

  1. Check out the situation: Make sure no one is in real danger and everything is ok
  2. Don’t make the payoff: I really liked this one. If no one is in danger and it’s just your little child tattling don’t punish the other kid. That would just reward the tattle teller
  3. Raise the cost of tattling: This is brilliant! Raise the cost by adding extra chores or if money motivates your kids like it does mine, make them pay you a $1.00 every time they tattle. I know for a fact that would end my kid’s tattling issues.

In conclusion, teach kids what kind of tattling is ok and what kind is not ok. I will have a family lesson on this with my kids. Something absolutely needs to be done and needs to be done quickly before I check myself into an insane asylum!

xoxo,

Chels

Nip Tattle Telling in the Bud
Nip Tattle Telling in the Bud

Confessions of a Dirty Ass Laundry Room

Alright, I know what you’re thinking… “A load a day to keep a headache away” Ok, first off, I would like to publicly say, Nobody even said that shit until Pinterest came around. A load a day? Why would I do a load a day when I can do 20 loads the same day and fold for 6 hours twice a month? The truth is half the time my wonderful loving children throw their clean clothes in the dirty laundry. Yes, true story. I wish I would have saved my Mothers Day Snapchats ( by the way want real live entertainment? follow my Chels_bing snapchat. It’s ridiculous but entertaining. My language is like that of a sailor, you have been warned!)

It was the Saturday the day before mothers day. It started out as a bright and sunny day. I made the kids a nice breakfast, that, of course, they didn’t eat. We were laughing and having a wonderful time together. Until suddenly I do a bedroom check. To my dismay, I found trash, food, clothes and crap along the baseboards in their room. Instantly my blood starts boiling in my veins and I scream….. AHHHHHHHHHH WWWTTTTFFFFF…..  because I had just cleaned every room in my house SPOTLESS to avoid any Mothers Day hiccups. I try and plan out Mothers Day so there won’t be any issues. I clean, set my kids’ clothes out to make sure they will be ready. I even go as far as buying my own Mothers Day cinnamon rolls for breakfast just in case my husband can’t cover the breakfast in bed scenario. (creepy right? I’m effin’ creepy.) So, as I look through their bedrooms, cussing every cuss word out loud. I look over to their mount Rushmore stack of clothes in their closet. As I walk up to get a better look, I notice all the 20 EFFIN’ loads of laundry I folded the day before and placed neatly next to their dressers for them to put away,  were now wrinkled up and stuffed into the closets. I am not sure if this was a “Hey lets see how we can piss mommy off” ordeal, or if it was actually an honest mistake? Which if you think about it, isn’t actually a mistake at all. Those assholes are out to get me! I feel my forehead vein throbbing and my eyes pop out like Jalisa Thompson’s. I can’t even deal right now. I calmly walk away, and by calmly I mean like a beast throwing clothes left and right,  screaming like I belong in a psych ward. I hate to admit this but my husband was trying to talk some sense into me and I’m pretty sure I kicked a hole into my wall. Don’t worry, it wasn’t my intention to kick my beautiful wall, I was aiming at him. What makes it worse is he laughs it off. LAUGHS with the words of “You’re crazy” I don’t know about you but when I hear those two words together I get even crazier. Hence, why there is a nice perfectly round hole in my wall from my ragged foot.

I decided after I made the hole on the wall, I better put up some coloring artwork the kids give me just in case company comes over. They would see the artwork and say “what a great mother displaying those sweet pictures in her house”. Little do they know it was clearly just to cover up my crazy!

Decided to make an art wall to cover up mommies crazy!

momminwithhumor.com-3

After that intense combo, I quickly ran to my medicine cabinet and sniffed a little lavender oil to calm the hell down. I sniffed that crap until I was hallucinating lavender flowers growing out of the kitchen sink. Once back into my right state of mind, I quickly rushed into my kid’s rooms and apologized. They weren’t even phased at all. In fact, I actually got an apology from them. They realized how hard I worked to make the house clean and the clothes I had spent all day folding. We all joined in together to quickly get things refolded and put away. After we celebrated with a trip to target and their glorious never ending dollar section.

I sure love these kids of mine. I am not the best mom in this world, but to them, I am their world. I make mistakes because I am human and I try to learn from them. The good thing is I plan on winning the lottery so I can afford their therapy bill when they’re older. Now off to re-wash the clothes in my washer for the 7th time. I hope they’ll actually make the dryer this time around.

 

Current state of my laundry room right now
The current state of my laundry room

 

 

Do you suck at laundry? I hope this story makes you feel better about yourself. Every mom is a little bat shit crazy, some just hide it better than others!

xoxo,

Chels