You guys I finally set up my youtube channel. Be sure to check it out and subscribe.
This video is about how Kids Are Disgusting. Do you ever feel like you clean but it’s pointless because your kids are SO GROSS!! Well, watch this video. You are not alone fellow parent. My kids are also, disgusting!
Be sure to watch the whole video and tell me what you think.
Also, check out my other video called “7 things NOT to say to a MOM”
Many mornings I wake up instantly angry. I don’t know if it is the lack of sleep I get each night with a baby and 4 year old or if I have terrible dreams that affect my mornings. ( Be sure to check out my latest blog POST. It helps burnt out mothers. ) Sometimes I dream my husband cheats on me or something crazy and I wake up so pissed off at him. He laughs at me and I get so mad. He should be able to control what he does in my dream right!? I mean, come on, you should be able to control your stupid choices “in my dreams” that cause me to wake up and want to throat punch you 10 times. (haha)
I dream every night and I know I have them but when I wake up I can hardly remember what they were. Of course, unless my husband cheats on me in my dream. I always seem to remember that and can still remember what nights I dreamt that. Paranoid a little? Which is funny because my husband isn’t like that at all.
When I wake up to the blissful sounds of bickering children I instantly have this saying that pops into my head. “Today I Choose Joy”. That little 4-worded saying has a lot of impact on me. I can choose to be angry and pissed off at the world or I can choose joy and be the happy mom that my kids need and want. Those 4 little words can change anyone’s mood in a heartbeat.
My wonderful husband always reminds me of this too. One day I woke up just angry. As angry as a raging bull. I don’t know why but this crazy bitch woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My 3-year-old got into my make up one morning. She destroyed my wonderful and beautiful MAC makeup foundation that I had just purchased and paid for with one of my ovaries. I was instantly angry. My blood was boiling and momma was losing her shit. I heard this loud obnoxious man voice in the background say “CHOOSE JOY” needless to say my daughter is still alive and well. She didn’t get the wrath of mommy but I did have a long talk with her on how we only touch daddies stuff. Not mommies!
My oldest daughter and I love to write poems together. We come up with some crafty funny shit. That’s one of our favorite things to do. We rhyme and say whatever comes to our minds and it will usually end with us laughing our butts off! Here is one we made together about Choosing Joy.
Today I choose Joy
Today choose Joy,
And every day at that.
You have to work for it,
You can’t pull it out of a hat.
If You wake up and You’re moody,
Sing out loud and shake your booty.
Look in the mirror for the light in your eyes,
It’s there and shouldn’t be a big surprise.
When you’re feeling down and blue
Ask your friends and family to help you.
Seeing all their kindness and unconditional love,
Will give your happiness a quick little shove.
Being happy and joyous
Truly won’t destroy us.
It’s really the best way of life.
Try hard to let go of unwanted strife.
Tell the day to bring it on,
Come what may and just be strong.
Say in your head, every girl and every boy,
Today, is the day…that…YOU choose joy!
This poem is a great reminder that Happiness is a choice. Each day I have to choose to be happy. Sometimes it’s super hard and my self-pity gets the best of me. I could go on and on about things that have happened or the wrong doings of others or the “Wo” is me bull shit but it is useless to think that way. You can’t change the past. You can only live in the now and create a better future. You have to discard those negative thoughts or toxic people in your life. Choose you, Choose Joy! (mic drop)
I created a free 8×10 download for all my wonderful readers. Download it and display it so you can remind yourself that “Today I (you) Choose Joy” Enjoy!
Fill out name and email to receive your free download!
After a long day of parenting and adulting, I am most definitely looking at the clock hoping that 8pm bedtime rolls around quickly!
First of all, I found this chart from Baby Center that shows the age of your kid and what time they should go to bed. I don’t know about you but I have 5 kids. FIVE, so getting them all to bed a different time is an effin’ Joke! Thanks, Baby Center, but seems like the person running that site doesn’t have multiple children. If I put my son and daughter down at 7pm and my oldest daughter can stay up until 8:15 they would be PISSED! And, not the pissed off funny way. The pissed off, I’m going to bang my head against the wall and cry that entire hour way!
In my house bedtime is a process. It is a downright, dirty process. I always have to yell and I always end up feeling bad. One of my friends sent me this book calledGo The F**k to Sleep and it’s hilarious! I wish I could read that as a bedtime story. It’s the perfect gift to give if you want the loudest laughs at the baby shower. Trust me! It’s my fave!
After my kids eat dinner I start the bedtime process. They take showers, brush teeth and I’ll turn on one show. After each step, I always repeat “It’s almost time for bedtime” I get the never ending NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. The best line comes during the summer when they say “It’s still light outside.” When all pre-bedtime things are finished I turn off the tv and get down to business.
Step 1: “Alright kids its time for bed”. They get this burst of crazy energy that wakes them up. They start running around like crazy dogs who just got let off their leash for the first time. I nicely say “Lets go to bed!”
Step 2: I literally have to pick them up and throw them in their bed. Then I get the sob stories on how I didn’t take them to do this or we didn’t do that. Now the water works start. By this point I am already so effin’ tired I feel my blood start to boil in my body as I repeat over and over “GO TO BED”
Step 3: After I have put them all in their beds. My son and daughter who share a room start to annoy each other. She will climb up the bunk bed ladder and steal his stuff. He likes to spit on her EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. Once he does that, she’ll scream at the top of her lungs and her crying gets super intense. They also like to get out of their beds and play. My daughter will run up and down the halls thinking I don’t see or hear her. I always have to repeat ‘GO TO BED”
Step 4: This is when everyone suddenly has to go to the bathroom. They have this burst of bodily fluids that comes out of nowhere. Sometimes they claim they have to poop but I swear they just go in there and sit just to avoid bedtime.
Step 5: By this point, it’s 8:45 and I’m DONE! After the bathroom, everyone will need a drink and will literally cry until they get it. (any moms angry yet by reading this? I am angry just typing it) By this point, I am yelling and losing my shit left and right. I yell at them to quickly get a drink, once that’s done, I will do the final ‘GO THE F**K TO SLEEP!” (of course I don’t say the actual F word but I’m totally thinking it!) Once I hit that point everyone knows mommy is not to be messed with. They cry and cry until they finally pass out. Once that happens I lay sprawled out on the couch feeling exhausted.
Bedtime is done It’s time to do you!
Finally, when bedtime is over. Down that Pepsi or glass of wine because you deserve it and give yourself a pat on the back. Be sure to read Tips to Skyrocket your Mom Juice to get some you time in. Kids are work and they are exhausting. Always taking but of course we don’t mind because they are our sweet children. Here are some fun tips I have started doing to help bedtime move along a little faster.
Have your kids be active. I am always taking my kids to do things and wearing them out. From jumping around at the mall to swimming all day. I work my hardest to get them tired enough that bedtime will go smooth.
Don’t surprise them with bedtime. Make sure to always remind them of the time. My kids do way better knowing that bedtime is approaching rather than me just saying “bedtime now”
Stick to your guns. I have a hard time with this one. What can I say? My kids know how to work this crazy bitch! I am learning to stick to what I say. If you do that, you won’t have tons of bedtime battles.
Therefore, Good luck moms! This bedtime crap is seriously the pits. Those damn kids and their cuteness just know how to work us over.
Ya, that’s right, I said Mom Juice! Do you ever feel like you’re in a funk? OR that your kids live with the wicked bitch of the street? I know I have this feeling daily. Sometimes I literally feel bad for my kids and when I start to feel that way, I NEED to get in some mommy time to pump up my mom juice.
I can’t tell you how many times I wake up to the loud shrill of MMMMMOOOOOOOOMMMMM! I rush in because you would think my house was burning up in flames of fire. No, not burning, just a damn kid needing some cereal! I still don’t understand how one cannot make cereal. It is literally a five step process. Bowl, spoon, cereal, milk and eat. I guess it’s always better when mom makes it. When I start the day with that I am usually on edge. Having a little baby who still loves the 3am feeding wears me out. I am exhausted all the time and quite frankly, I am a raging bitch when I get no sleep!
Dealing with the load of kids I have (who are currently screaming and fighting as I write this. Mommy is going to lose her shit right now) I have to ensure that I get a break. Every mom needs one, especially if you hear “You’ve got your Hands Full” daily. If you say you don’t need one you’re a joke and nobody likes those types of moms! A glorious break from the massive amounts of screaming, fighting, crying and farting! Whether it’s is for an hour or four, get your ass out and have some YOU time.
5 Tips on How to Skyrocket your Mom Juice:
Go see a movie. I love this one. You bet your ass I will go to the movies by myself if I need to get away! I don’t have to take any kids or fight with my husband on what movie we should see. I pick it, I get my own drink, and I eat my own tub (don’t judge) of popcorn.
Get your nails done. This doesn’t have to be pricey. You can go in and ask them to change the color and it’s barely even $10. I always love to watch the Nail Salon video first. I crack up and highly recommend you watching it!
Go to the dog park. If you have a dog I suggest going to the dog park. I love to take my dog, Huck. He runs around like he’s insane, jumps and humps other dogs. It’s really just a blast. I even made a few doggy parent friends.
Go get a soda. This has been my go to lately. I will run and grab a soda whenever I can. Plus it gives me that extra kick to finish out my day. I am a Sonic-addict. I will Abso.Freakin.lutely own it!!
Hide in the bathroom. When worse comes to worse, and you don’t have a babysitter. Hide in the bathroom and chug that wine or Pepsi! No one is judging. I do it all the time. I call them Bathroom time-outs. My kids will be running around looking for me and calling mom at the top of their lungs. I laugh because they walk in the bathroom a million times and still can’t find me. I am laying in the bathtub with the curtain closed. Good thing they are afraid of things popping out because they won’t touch that shit with a ten-foot pole!
In conclusion, you need to take care of you. Being a mom is first and foremost the most important job you can have. Do you really want to do it grouchy all the time? Take a few minutes for yourself and skyrocket your Mom Juice!!
I’m telling Mom!!! First of all, do you hear those words on a daily basis?
I don’t know how many times my wonderful children have been playing in their rooms and everything is going great. Mommy had about 8 minutes of quiet time (EIGHT WHOLE MINUTES). A little meditation time to do some Yoga (who am I kidding, I don’t do yoga). It is more like a nice quiet time to get nose deep in my awesome book The Cellaror maybe watch my favorite show, Gray’s Anatomy. Just as I am about to reach an intense part of the chapter or get to a really awesome surgery on Gray’s anatomy, I hear it, the always dreaded, never welcomed shrill of “I’M TELLING MOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!” I may have of exaggerated with the “M’s” and exclamation points a little bit, but not by much.
I instantly perk up and run to my closet where I can be hidden by my mound of laundry. (I bet you guys think I am a slob). My house is totally clean. MyLaundry, however; is OUT of control. I quickly squeeze my fat ass into my little tiny, totally not walk in closet and duck my head for cover. Half of the time those crazy kids run around like little ants on a mission, screaming “MOM, MOMMY, MAMA” over and over again until they finally find me. Once found, I have to woman up and “adult”. I have to manage the situation and prepare them for the verdict which could go either way. It’s never a fun process. I cannot tell you how many times one of my kids run into my room to tattle, with the other kid right behind them screaming their side of the story. It’s a headache that I can’t get away from. Why children didn’t come with warning labels. I will never understand.
“WARNING: THIS CHILD CONTAINS EXCESSIVE GAS, SMELLS FEAR AND WILL DRIVE YOU BATSHIT CRAZY”
I guess if children did come with warning labels no one would have them!
My kids are smart crafty little bastards, they know how to work it. They know how to tell me what I want to hear, and tell me just enough to get the other child in trouble. Of course they never express their evil doings in the situation. It isn’t until I hear the whole story, they will finally fess up.
Today, as they were doing their chore of scooping up dog poop, I hear a scream, then a loud slap and (never welcomed) “IM TELLING MOMMMM !!” My son runs into the house to tell how his sister pushed his foot into dog poop. Horrible right? I mean what kind of sister pushes her brother in dog poop? I am super upset by this because the little turd himself came running inside on my perfectly swept floors with his poopy shoe still on his foot. I get up quickly and walk outside. Before I even reach the door, my daughter starts yelling her side of the story. As I hear it through, I begin to think I’m raising circus clowns rather than actual children. Turns out my son pushed my daughter first, as she chased him, his own foot stepped into the dog poop. He then proceeded to slap her arm before running in the house to tell me what happened.
As you hear that story what comes to your mind? I bet it is “THAT KID IS CRAZY”, if so, you are correct! He is hilarious and crazy all at the same time. He is our wild child. Every family has one. If you can’t figure out who it is in your family, it’s probably you!
As a result of that story, I have done some research on how to nip tattling in the bud. I will absolutely be trying these tips from the BabyCenter over the next couples weeks and will report back to my wonderful readers.
How to Nip Tattle Telling in the Bud:
Check out the situation: Make sure no one is in real danger and everything is ok
Don’t make the payoff: I really liked this one. If no one is in danger and it’s just your little child tattling don’t punish the other kid. That would just reward the tattle teller
Raise the cost of tattling: This is brilliant! Raise the cost by adding extra chores or if money motivates your kids like it does mine, make them pay you a $1.00 every time they tattle. I know for a fact that would end my kid’s tattling issues.
In conclusion, teach kids what kind of tattling is ok and what kind is not ok. I will have a family lesson on this with my kids. Something absolutely needs to be done and needs to be done quickly before I check myself into an insane asylum!
The other day I went to the grocery store with all 5 of my kids. I don’t do this often because the moment we enter those automatic doors my children think that’s their cue to start acting like little crazy assholes kids. It is impossible for me to take all 5 kids there and not have them act up. I don’t know why they think it’s a green light to go ahead and do cartwheels down aisle 4 but for some reason they do. All I can think to myself is bring on the “You’ve got your hands full” comments.
People pass us and it’s always funny to see their reactions. I get a lot of dirty looks, some glazed over looks and once in a while, I will get a sweet smile or chuckle. When I make eye contact with the judgey prospector I will get the always dreaded comment, “You’ve got your hands full”. This saying didn’t always bother me but after years of hearing this, I am finally at my end of friendly behavior. I used to apologize or correct my child’s behavior but now it’s a whole different story. When you tell me I have my hands full I will absolutely NOT correct my children and I will probably say a sly comment that puts you back in your place. Some of my favorite sayings are “yes, I do thank you for reminding me” or “Do I? I didn’t notice”(with an “eff off look” all over my face). My favorite is “can you believe I’m having number 6 in a few short months” (I do a fake loud laugh as I touch my non-pregnant fluffy belly). I have recently started saying “Ya I know I have a lot of kids, you should see my laundry room!”
It’s mostly dear sweet elderly people saying “You’ve got your hands full” Most times they will turn to their spouse or whoever they’re with and whisper something quietly about my obnoxious children. I normally can’t hear because I’m being pulled and gnawed on like a piece of meat in a lions den. It’s pretty much a huge bat shit crazy show to watch. Once, my son decided to pee in the cereal aisle. I have no idea why he decided to do that but I’m guessing the 3 years old just had to go, but I certainly could have used the help instead of the comments. I won’t lie, I did laugh a little when I heard “clean up on aisle 6” over the intercom. My most embarrassing moments are when my kids decide to pick up mommies special ‘bathroom tools’ (tampons) and laugh hysterically at them, I will never understand why or how a tampon can be so funny. Trust me when I tell you, we are a freaking train wreck that you can’t look away from.
I asked some awesome parents on my Instagram and facebookfor some advice on what to say. If you are ever in this situation here is some hilarious, yet, good comebacks you can use…
Kathie O’Leary : You’re so observant, are you offering sitting services or just being a Captain Obvious?
Bethany Bauer : Yep, and a full heart Or if I’m in a bad mood….Only if you can’t handle it
atippets : I get this every single time I leave the house. With 4 boys and twins, we are quite the circus. I sure do like the comments of encouragement and praise over the typical “you’ve got your hands full” or “better you than me” comments.
correamommy : Wouldn’t have it any other way! You may say I have my hands full, but I say I am blessed!!
tamseyb : “Yup, great entertainment for the bored staring type.” Said this one today at a real peach of a lady.
sometimesstefanie : I just realized I say this EVERY time – “yep, it’s quite the party over here!” But really I wish I would say something like “yep, lots of penises to deal with.” Usually, when you talk about the genital area to a stranger, it shuts them up real quick cause they don’t know how to respond
Here are a few tips I can give you:
Don’t bring your kids to the grocery store! If you can leave those crazies behind, DO IT!! Take a little hour vacation to the store alone. Hit up that favorite drink stop first and then go shopping. I know I will never take a trip to the store alone for granted. Or even a trip to the bathroom alone would be the best gift ever!
Don’t mind the people staring! Let them stare. Kids will be kids and the people who are judging are the ones who A. Don’t have kids or B. Forgot what it’s like. This is the season of life you’re in. Live it up. Let your kids go crazy in the grocery store. They are only kids once in a lifetime. As a kid, I loved to ride around on the carts like crazy while my mom would grocery shop. She let me do it and claimed me with pride.
Keep your Head up and walk away with pride! I remember one time my niece was screaming at the top of her lungs in a store. I can’t remember why but she was screaming as loud as she can. My sister picked her up and walked out of the store. It wasn’t until after she got home the cops showed up and questioned her about a possible child abduction. As my sister was carrying her screaming daughter out of the store someone called the cops and reported her stealing a child and the child was screaming .. (Hahaha) I laughed out loud for a good 20 minutes and still laugh to this day. Clearly, the cops realized what happened and quickly dismissed that report. Kids are unpredictable at times so when they get crazy. Keep your head up and walk with pride. Every mom in that store knows exactly what you’re going through. We got your back!
Anytime I am at the store and see a mom with wild children, I will NEVER judge because I know how that mom feels. We should all start offering a helping hand rather than a rude, sly comment. By telling me I have my hands full, makes me feel as if I can’t contain my children. That is farthest from the truth. I can contain those monsters, I am just picking my battles AND the grocery store ISN’T one of them!
Whenever I hear children talk to their parents in rude disrespectful tones out in public, I cringe inside. I call those behaviors in my home, Meltdowns. I cannot handle rude behavior or “meltdowns”. I am a little “Old school” where children SHOULD and WILL give adults respect.
I teach my kids to be respectful towards myself and especially towards other adults. Of course, when they are at home, they can’t be “on” all the time. We have our classic meltdowns, fights, and batshit crazy moments. We aren’t perfect but you better believe that I have the authority and (most times) control over the situations. Some people may think I am a little hard on my kids regarding their behavior but I don’t care. I am not raising assholes here! Do I beat my children senseless? absolutely not. I am not a believer in causing pain to teach lessons. I simply get really close, talk stern and widen my eyes until they pop out. Oh man, I wish I had a picture. My husband thinks I look ridiculous when my “stern mommy” face comes out to play.
A few tips on how to handle meltdowns:
Understand the situation and what’s going on
a lot of the time meltdowns are a result of kids not feeling in control of their lives or the situation. I know when one of my kids gives me an eye roll, or a rude backtalk, its because I am not fully understanding what is going on and I should probably put my damn phone down and listen to what they are truly saying.
I also like to give my kids choices. I like them to be able to choose what they want to do. When kids feel like they are in control and have a little say in their lives, they will respond better. My daughter is extremely particular about what jams she wear at night. (effin’ jams, I’m dealing with freaking PJ’S) instead of me yelling like crazy at her to hurry and pick some damn pajamas, I simply pick out two different “pretty” styles that she can choose from. That helps me with not losing my shit and helps her feel like she had a choice.
after a big meltdown goes down I always try my hardest to talk to my kids. Sometimes I have even gone as far as recording the meltdown scream fest, to later view it with that child. I never do it when there are other people around. I always do it one on one and especially when calm. It gives me a chance to talk to that child, let him or her know I love them but expect better behavior. I always ask how they felt after watching the video of their behavior. I try to also ask what they and myself could have done differently.
Consequence not “punishment”
I always come up with a consequence with my child. I will let them choose what consequence would be a better option. I know most parents would think that’s crazy. “Let your kid choose the consequence” but honestly, I think it helps them really understand what type of behavior is acceptable and take the consequence serious. One time my son (bless his heart) decided to throw a huge tantrum and run away from me at a Walgreens. (the story is hilarious) when things calmed down I sat and had a discussion with him on what things we could have done differently. I gave him two options for consequences. It was No kindle fire for a week or no playing with friends for a weekend. He picked no playing with friends for a weekend. Since he picked what type of consequence suited him best, When one of my in-laws came over to ask if he could play, he instantly said “No” and that he was grounded for the weekend.
Now my thought is, if I didn’t sit down a talk to him about what had happened, he wouldn’t have truly understood what he did and why he couldn’t play. I feel like that was a great teaching moment on what type of behavior is accepted and what type of behavior wasn’t.
Don’t feed the behavior
Now I have to admit, I am bad at this. Sometimes my kids get upset over some ridiculous things and I can’t help but make fun of them. It’s terrible but like I said before…. I’m only human and some days I can’t resist the temptation. When my kids go into that mode of crazy, I try my hardest to stay calm and remain in control because if I don’t stay calm and in control, I am contributing to the behavior and that can potentially make matters or meltdowns worse.
After all is said and done be sure to show love towards your children. Give them hugs, kisses, butterfly kisses or whatever to get them to giggle and feel the love from their parents.
There, you have a few tips I try to stop the meltdowns in your home. There is no job more important than parenting our crazy ass children. It’s our job to teach them and help them grow into wonderful beautiful people… Not Assholes!
My kids are drama. Everything is a big deal. My daughter and son can’t find their socks or shoes on a daily basis but yes, they can find the worlds smallest onion or broccoli in their food.
Enchiladas, chili, homemade Pizza, all the way down to hot dogs with Mac and Cheese. It seems that whatever I make for dinner one out of five kids complains about it. I cannot tell you how many “Kid Friendly” Pinterest meals I have made (totally a load of shit because those “kid friendly” meals have me cookin’ hours in the kitchen). I never seem to get it right with ALL kids at the same time. You would honestly think they were eating shit on a platter with their reactions to some of my dishes. I am pretty sure my neighbors think I’m beating my children due to the loud intense screams coming from my house. Little do they know, it is just me trying to get a damn child to eat their damn broccoli!
I know for a fact that I am not a bad cook. Okay, I will admit, some of my dishes aren’t the best and my husband will always kindly let me know with a wonderful phrase “Babe, I think I am pretty full” when I ask if he wants seconds. When he eats the second plate, I know I nailed it. When he sweetly declines, I know I better not make that dish again. Or the occasional dry food when I am overwhelmed with other things while cooking. One time I took dinner to my neighbors. I made chicken enchiladas, Homemade Mexican rice, Texas sheet cake cupcakes all while helping kids with homework and a baby attached to my leg. When my husband got home from work he made a plate, tasted it and then quietly set the plate down somewhere. I went to deliver the food thinking all was well and forgot about it. A couple weeks later I said I was going to make the same dinner. My husband then decided to tell me how dry the enchiladas were and how the rice was a little off… A COUPLE WEEKS LATER!!!! I was extremely pissed he didn’t tell me before I dropped dinner off. Had I known my dinner tasted like garbage, I would have ordered dinner from somewhere for them. I always try to forget that story because it makes my stomach hurt. So an apology to my neighbors, Sorry your enchiladas were dry and your rice was off!
Most nights I slave over the kitchen stove for what feels like HOURS just to dish out plates and have my wonderful, yet crappy children turn up their noses. I even try to bribe them with $20 bucks and they still will not touch it. A few nights I have rushed to my room in sheer beast mode because they will not eat what’s on their plate. I can’t tell you how many pillows I have hit because my kids won’t eat squat! It’s frustrating, to say the least.
What to do when your children will not eat?
I have come to the conclusion that if my kids do not eat their dinner, they will go to bed hungry. Now hold on, don’t think I am the meanest mom in the world. It actually works! If my kids don’t eat their dinner, they don’t get to eat anything else. When they do eat their dinner, they get the entire kitchen until bedtime. I am a pretty easy to please mom. Just eat your dinner and you can have the world. I swear it’s like making deals with 5 little devils. I truly cannot stand making a huge meal for my family of seven just to have no one eat it.
Rule of thumb in my home is…
You better eat your dinner before mommy starves you and loses her shit!