After a long day of parenting and adulting, I am most definitely looking at the clock hoping that 8pm bedtime rolls around quickly!
First of all, I found this chart from Baby Center that shows the age of your kid and what time they should go to bed. I don’t know about you but I have 5 kids. FIVE, so getting them all to bed a different time is an effin’ Joke! Thanks, Baby Center, but seems like the person running that site doesn’t have multiple children. If I put my son and daughter down at 7pm and my oldest daughter can stay up until 8:15 they would be PISSED! And, not the pissed off funny way. The pissed off, I’m going to bang my head against the wall and cry that entire hour way!
In my house bedtime is a process. It is a downright, dirty process. I always have to yell and I always end up feeling bad. One of my friends sent me this book called Go The F**k to Sleep and it’s hilarious! I wish I could read that as a bedtime story. It’s the perfect gift to give if you want the loudest laughs at the baby shower. Trust me! It’s my fave!
After my kids eat dinner I start the bedtime process. They take showers, brush teeth and I’ll turn on one show. After each step, I always repeat “It’s almost time for bedtime” I get the never ending NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. The best line comes during the summer when they say “It’s still light outside.” When all pre-bedtime things are finished I turn off the tv and get down to business.
Step 1: “Alright kids its time for bed”. They get this burst of crazy energy that wakes them up. They start running around like crazy dogs who just got let off their leash for the first time. I nicely say “Lets go to bed!”
Step 2: I literally have to pick them up and throw them in their bed. Then I get the sob stories on how I didn’t take them to do this or we didn’t do that. Now the water works start. By this point I am already so effin’ tired I feel my blood start to boil in my body as I repeat over and over “GO TO BED”
Step 3: After I have put them all in their beds. My son and daughter who share a room start to annoy each other. She will climb up the bunk bed ladder and steal his stuff. He likes to spit on her EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. Once he does that, she’ll scream at the top of her lungs and her crying gets super intense. They also like to get out of their beds and play. My daughter will run up and down the halls thinking I don’t see or hear her. I always have to repeat ‘GO TO BED”
Step 4: This is when everyone suddenly has to go to the bathroom. They have this burst of bodily fluids that comes out of nowhere. Sometimes they claim they have to poop but I swear they just go in there and sit just to avoid bedtime.
Step 5: By this point, it’s 8:45 and I’m DONE! After the bathroom, everyone will need a drink and will literally cry until they get it. (any moms angry yet by reading this? I am angry just typing it) By this point, I am yelling and losing my shit left and right. I yell at them to quickly get a drink, once that’s done, I will do the final ‘GO THE F**K TO SLEEP!” (of course I don’t say the actual F word but I’m totally thinking it!) Once I hit that point everyone knows mommy is not to be messed with. They cry and cry until they finally pass out. Once that happens I lay sprawled out on the couch feeling exhausted.
Bedtime is done It’s time to do you!
Finally, when bedtime is over. Down that Pepsi or glass of wine because you deserve it and give yourself a pat on the back. Be sure to read Tips to Skyrocket your Mom Juice to get some you time in. Kids are work and they are exhausting. Always taking but of course we don’t mind because they are our sweet children. Here are some fun tips I have started doing to help bedtime move along a little faster.
- Have your kids be active. I am always taking my kids to do things and wearing them out. From jumping around at the mall to swimming all day. I work my hardest to get them tired enough that bedtime will go smooth.
- Don’t surprise them with bedtime. Make sure to always remind them of the time. My kids do way better knowing that bedtime is approaching rather than me just saying “bedtime now”
- Stick to your guns. I have a hard time with this one. What can I say? My kids know how to work this crazy bitch! I am learning to stick to what I say. If you do that, you won’t have tons of bedtime battles.
Therefore, Good luck moms! This bedtime crap is seriously the pits. Those damn kids and their cuteness just know how to work us over.